Husband: “Where have you been?”
Wife: “I was at the store getting 4 cases of beer, 3 boxes of wine, 2 bottles of whiskey and 2 loaves of bread!”
Husband: “Are we having company?”
Husband: “Then why’d you get so much bread!”
Text message from husband to his wife:
A very nice Highway Patrol officer asked me if I was drinking.
I jokingly replied, “That depends, are you buying?”
Tough crowd. Please send bail money.
Leaders of several big companies meet for a drink. The president of Anheuser-Busch orders a Bud, Miller’s president orders a Miller and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is time for the president of Guinness’ to order, he orders a soda.
“Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” everyone asks.
“Nah,” the Guinness exec replies, “If you guys aren’t having a beer neither will I.”
NOTE: A comic strip along these same lines is HERE
Mother Superior and the Milk
A 97 year-old Mother Superior is on her deathbed. To help her, some of the nuns decide that the Mother Superior will appreciate some milk. Thinking “what can it hurt”, they add some whiskey to the milk.
After taking a small drink of the milk, the Mother Superior takes another, drink and then another.
Feebly, the Mother Superior summons one of the nuns and in her dying breath she says….
“don’t sell that cow!”
Teeny weeny glasses of beer – Little Richie Cunningham on Happy Days
A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys.
As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”
The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
A husband is having a beer at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife.
“What are you emailing her?” asked one.
He reads his message out loud, “Having a beer with the boys. If I’m not home in twenty minutes, read this email again.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”